It's all got to start somewhere
So before I get started on things, I think it only fair to explain who I am (or was) and just what is going on…
I am, or rather was, Santa Claus. That’s right, Santa Claus does exist. The common misconception is that there is only one of us. In fact, in these times of increasing population density and ridiculous workplace reforms, there was a need to expand the Claus family to those outside of the normal genetic tree.
Now this was not a job you would see advertised in the newspaper or down at Centrelink. In fact the whole interview process is secret and I’m in enough trouble already telling you that it exists. Basically, all I can tell you is that one of the paths into Santa-hood is dressing up in a red suit and white beard. So before you discount all of those people sitting in toy stores etc. smiling vainly for the camera, listening to little people asking for the world, BEWARE……..some of those people are under strict rules of engagement as part of their stringent interview process and can therefore be classed as “Santa-students”.
Following years of training, one then enters the realms of Santa internship. Just like in other areas that use the same term, internship involves going back to the bottom of a very long ladder, where, if you so choose, brown nosing the santas above you may (or may not) lead to a speedier ascension to the unspeakable……. consultant Santa Claus.
The bottom of the Santa ladder is, not surprisingly, back at those stores among the “Little People”. Every child that ever wanted a pony is your domain. So here is my second warning……not all of the Santas in the stores are applying for a job, some have already passed.
As one passes through the years of Santa-hood it becomes more involved as you learn new skills. You learn to fly a sled, train young reindeers, deal with difficult and daunting experiences, and also get the opportunity to tell superior Santas just how good they are (provided you get a word in because a lot of them are busy telling you just how good they are!!)
For example, I was a 6th year Santa. I was at a level where I could operate independently and without supervision. I was often in places that felt like they had never seen a real santa before!! Quite often there was no serious backup for times when someone would, for example, ask for an outrageous Christmas present…like….a cure for 4 years of back pain with one magic pill!! Who would have ever thought?!! I was also in the position of supervising younger, less experienced santas. I would have to admit that sometimes I did not believe that they were truly committed to the job at hand (did no work), and some, I suspect, were overseas trained santas who weren’t even santas at all…….there is nothing worse than trying to consol a young child who is devastated because they’ve been told that santa needs to do some tests before being able to give presents. Anyway, that was all part and parcel of being an experienced santa.
Despite the joy being a Santa Claus, there were problems. Industrial relations, reindeer welfare groups, “kids not getting what they asked for” societies and so on. Without going into detail I shall just say that I was pissed off and had enough. Being the centre of the imaginary mind was no longer what I strived for. It no longer made me happy, and no longer seemed to be the ever lasting path to eternal happiness.
At this point in time I could see only two ways to go…….put up or shut up.
I chose to pack up, which, was not one of the options but who wants to live in a square anyway?
I am, or rather was, Santa Claus. That’s right, Santa Claus does exist. The common misconception is that there is only one of us. In fact, in these times of increasing population density and ridiculous workplace reforms, there was a need to expand the Claus family to those outside of the normal genetic tree.
Now this was not a job you would see advertised in the newspaper or down at Centrelink. In fact the whole interview process is secret and I’m in enough trouble already telling you that it exists. Basically, all I can tell you is that one of the paths into Santa-hood is dressing up in a red suit and white beard. So before you discount all of those people sitting in toy stores etc. smiling vainly for the camera, listening to little people asking for the world, BEWARE……..some of those people are under strict rules of engagement as part of their stringent interview process and can therefore be classed as “Santa-students”.
Following years of training, one then enters the realms of Santa internship. Just like in other areas that use the same term, internship involves going back to the bottom of a very long ladder, where, if you so choose, brown nosing the santas above you may (or may not) lead to a speedier ascension to the unspeakable……. consultant Santa Claus.
The bottom of the Santa ladder is, not surprisingly, back at those stores among the “Little People”. Every child that ever wanted a pony is your domain. So here is my second warning……not all of the Santas in the stores are applying for a job, some have already passed.
As one passes through the years of Santa-hood it becomes more involved as you learn new skills. You learn to fly a sled, train young reindeers, deal with difficult and daunting experiences, and also get the opportunity to tell superior Santas just how good they are (provided you get a word in because a lot of them are busy telling you just how good they are!!)
For example, I was a 6th year Santa. I was at a level where I could operate independently and without supervision. I was often in places that felt like they had never seen a real santa before!! Quite often there was no serious backup for times when someone would, for example, ask for an outrageous Christmas present…like….a cure for 4 years of back pain with one magic pill!! Who would have ever thought?!! I was also in the position of supervising younger, less experienced santas. I would have to admit that sometimes I did not believe that they were truly committed to the job at hand (did no work), and some, I suspect, were overseas trained santas who weren’t even santas at all…….there is nothing worse than trying to consol a young child who is devastated because they’ve been told that santa needs to do some tests before being able to give presents. Anyway, that was all part and parcel of being an experienced santa.
Despite the joy being a Santa Claus, there were problems. Industrial relations, reindeer welfare groups, “kids not getting what they asked for” societies and so on. Without going into detail I shall just say that I was pissed off and had enough. Being the centre of the imaginary mind was no longer what I strived for. It no longer made me happy, and no longer seemed to be the ever lasting path to eternal happiness.
At this point in time I could see only two ways to go…….put up or shut up.
I chose to pack up, which, was not one of the options but who wants to live in a square anyway?
posted by santas walkabout at 12:14 am
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